Monologue

Here is a monologue I wrote for an acting class I’m taking:

I’m nervous. And excited. I’m nervously excited. I’ve never done anything so bold and out there you know? It’s like I’m completely out of my bubble, my oversized, round, comfortable, plastic bubble. Who will I be outside this protective sphere? Will I look the same? Act the same? Sound the same? I kind of hope not.

All I have to do is step forward, one measly step, and tune out reason, logic, and… the rest of the world. Their messages bombard me from everywhere! This is who you need to be, this what you need to do, this is the refreshing beverage you need to drink. If I were to obey my thirst I would be drinking nothing but water thank you very much! Their message has paralyzed me too long. I think it’s because they are the ones who are scared, who are jealous that I have the guts to step out of the line, they are the ones who are actually paralyzed. They want us to conform because well, misery loves company right?

Although, I’m not hurting anyone by remaining still, except myself. It’s easy to be passive, to go with the flow, to follow the crowd, to blend in, to conform, to slowly kill myself by suppressing all the makes me, me.

So… which path do I take? A course of comfortable familiarity, or the road less traveled, heh… but that road is overgrown, difficult, unknown. That’s what most of us fear anyway isn’t it? The unknown. But I can’t live in fear. It kills the human spirit. We’re made for so much more, than this. I wasn’t created just to drive a manly Jeep, to live in the trendiest of neighborhoods, or to wear the most stylish jeans. Though, I do enjoy a stylish pair of jeans. This life isn’t about those things, it’s about living it to the fullest, and taking all that this earth has to offer, and giving all that you have to offer it. I can’t pretend to be satisfied any longer with the hunky dory.

I read a book once, and it asked me, “What makes you come alive? Go and do that.”
I’m ready… Nervously… Excitedly… Ready…

Sometimes… you can’t make it on your own.

Yes, U2’s song comes to mind when thinking about trying to do what you want to do in life. I feel I’ve been trying for years now, yet I constantly seem to get distracted by something shiny. I feel like I’ve struggled for most of my teen-hood and the first half of my twenties with being able to be who I was meant to be. I feel as if I have figured it out, or at least a small part of it. I was trying to go it alone. I was trying to lift this 500lb dumbbell we call life, on my own.

Recently I have made it a point to ask God to help me become the man I was meant to be. It feels like I’m at a party,  with a blindfold on, swinging at a pinata, and I need a little assistance. He’s faithful. He’s revealing a little at a time, like He’s letting me peak out at the pinata a little. He reminded me of a calling on my life from early on, that I would “harness media” and use it for the kingdom. This is probably why I can never decide between focusing on music, movies, graphics, acting, etc. I don’t necessarily have to choose. I feel like I’ve been cursed with the Jack of All Traits but a master of none moniker, and without Him leading me, this would be exactly that, a curse. I feel though, through His grace and prompting, that moniker is not truth and with His help the doors will open.

The doors seem to be opening. I decided not to go back to film school despite what every realistic level headed person’s advice might be, including my own. Part of it was the realization that I’m not an 18 year old kid going to school on Ma and Pa’s dime. I’m a 26 year old married, with a baby on the way man, going to school on my own dime. Or, many many dimes. Because of this, film school became a bad investment. I would rather spend that money on the equipment I will still need when I get out of school. School is still not out of the scenario though, I would still like at some point to get my Bachelors in Business or Graphic Design/ Web Design or something. The doors however, are still seemingly opening. Many doors in fact. My friend started a non-profit organization and I am doing some graphic design for as well as sit on the board of directors, or board of Godfathers as we’ve named it. I’m working with helping redesign my church’s website. I started a podcast talking about music and will be doing the editing, graphics, as well as host the show. It’s called musicology and will be up soon. I have a talent agency representing me, have had one audition already, and Caroline might also be in line to be represented by them as well. Caroline had a voice over audition with a friend, and through this I may have some work editing for a nationally run commercial. Will all these doors lead somewhere? I’m not sure but I know that even if one of them do it will be amazing.

Time now is the issue, and I will be leaning on Him for that as well. After all, I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own.

Beginnings of an alternate universe

I like to pretend. I always have. I like reality, don’t get me wrong, but I also like to try out different personalities. Does this make me crazy? I feel as in recent years I have lost touch with this side. I suppose it’s a matter of growing up, or just a matter of being distracted by all the craziness that life is. Maybe that’s why I usually fall back into a creative line of work whether it be movies, design, music, etc. I get to create an alternate realm, it’s my grown up pretend. I don’t want to use this as an escape because honestly I don’t have anything to escape from (except Drop Dead Fred), but use it as a way to evoke emotions in people. Whether it be joy, sorrow, jumping high five’s, laughter, etc. I would like to use my abilities for good and awesome! I don’t think Daydream Man is a very good super hero but I think I might identify with him best. Him and Spoon Hands Boy of course. I would never be held back from ice cream or cereal again!

Welcome to my blog. Here you will find musings, rants, and creative outbursts of all sorts. I probably won’t stick to one subject because that just wouldn’t be me. I hope to write often(ish) and hope you visit often(ish).

-jspinny